How NOT to be married

What does it take for people to realize that enough is enough?

That's a serious, not rhetorical, question. I think some of us are just born with internal sensors that squawk and buzz and warn us when we're about to reach the point of combustion. And others aren't. 

I was one of the 9 million viewers who tuned in Monday night for the season premiere of "Jon & Kate Plus 8" on TLC. It was at once horrifying and heartbreaking, and provided clear evidence that the show, in its original context, has run its course. We're no longer following the lives of two people trying to keep up with eight children; we're rubber-necking on a train wreck. I won't get into who I think is to blame, or what I think about the Gosselins, or whether I believe they're exploiting their kids. That stuff is already being slung around the Internet, and I'm sure my opinions are no different from what's out there. 

Despite the gossip and accusations surrounding the state of the Gosselin family, what their show has inadvertently accomplished, at least at this recent stage, is that is has gotten many people thinking about what it really means to be married and a parent. Obviously Jon and Kate's situation is extreme; few couples find themselves parenting that many children. But you know what? It doesn't matter if you have eight kids or one -- family stuff is hard. 

I suppose it isn't appropriate for me to speak with any kind of authority on this issue since I'm neither married (yet) nor a (biological) parent. However, these are roles I'll take on in a mere two months' time and I've had to do a lot of thinking about what this will mean. I've also done quite a bit of research on how I'm supposed to behave as a second, er, third wife and stepmother. 

There's a lot of stuff out there on these topics, and it's mostly crap. Apparently, a new wife and stepmother's main duty is to completely push aside her own needs so she can focus on the tireless pursuit of ensuring the comfort of her husband and stepchildren. We are taught that nothing comes before a parent's relationship with his/her children, and those who preach this doctrine would also have us believe that the ex-spouse's wishes are paramount.

Oh, puh-lease. 

We forget that a marriage is a relationship between two people. Just two. When I marry Steve in August, I am not marrying his ex-wives. I'm not marrying his children. I am consciously accepting and involving them in my life, but they are not my partner and, honestly, not my top priority. My main concern is providing love and support to Steve and doing my part to build a good life for ourselves. And thus, I expect to also be Steve's first priority. 

I'll pause a minute to allow you time to stop choking. 

Am I a horrible person for expecting to be Steve's priority? Above his children? I frankly don't think so. As Steve's partner, it's just as much my responsibility to make sure his sons are happy, safe, and well taken care of. It's a shared duty, and one I fully accept; however, I can't be expected to follow through with that if my own happiness is compromised. That doesn't mean that I expect to rule with an iron fist -- far from it, actually. But what good are we to our family if we can't take care of each other?

Maybe that's where Jon & Kate went wrong. They were young when they married and thrust into an overwhelming situation early in their marriage. Perhaps they just didn't have enough time to dedicate to each other, and now they're struggling because they have different ideas about their relationship, their family, their show, and very possibly themselves. They keep talking about coming together for the kids, but where are they in all of this? What about their own relationship? They don't seem very interested in coming together for that. 

And, seriously. If they're not interested in working on it, they need to just stop. Be adults, find a resolution, and get on with life. Hopefully they can at the very least serve as an example of what not to do. 

I don't pretend to have all the answers, and I do worry sometimes how my own marriage will pan out. That's why I think it's so important to resolve these issues now, rather than 10 years into it. It'll be a work in progress, but I'm dedicated to the cause. Happiness is far too important to risk.

Oh, the wonder.

To say that it's been interesting around here would not do it justice.

This is my very last week in my house without children. Steve headed north on Saturday to spend the week with Liam and Aiden and will return this weekend with Liam. I'll admit it; I feel weird about this -- the idea, nay fact, that after these next few days my life will never be the same. I'm nervous and I'm not sure I'm adequately prepared for it, though I have spent quite some time imagining all of the horrible possibilities and scenarios. I'm very good at overreacting. 

I don't know how long Liam will be here. Steve hasn't discussed a return date with Monica, so right now I'm not sure if he'll be here for the wedding, or even how much time -- if any -- he will have to spend with Joey, who arrives July 19. I hope Liam will be able to spend the entire summer with us, and I think that it is a very real possibility for reasons I'll get into in a few minutes. 

So yeah. I anticipate that the first few months with Joey will be the roughest. He's previously only been here during the summer or holidays, so it will take some time to get him (and Steve) acclimated to the reality that he's living here, not just hanging out. There will be schoolwork, chores, activities, all the regular family-type things that are going to require effort and discipline from all of us. Once we get settled, though, I think things will be ok. I hope. :)

The things I'm struggling with right now mostly concern questions I have about my place in all of this. I'm the stepmom, and honestly that is a role I never pictured myself in. I never consciously ruled it out, but my ideas about my future always started with a husband and baby, not a teenager (I know now that this was a very antique way of thinking). In my scenario, the man and the woman would begin at the same starting line. Alas, that is not to be. Obviously, Steve and Joey are going to have a tighter bond -- not just as father and son, but as guys. I know Steve will want to make up for lost time, and the two of them will often be off doing activities in which I have zero interest. That's going to be a huge change for me, because cheesiness aside, Steve is my buddy. I guess I fear being left out.

I'm also fearful of how our household is set up -- or rather, not set up. I am fully aware that millions of people are struggling in this economy. Although Steve and I work in an industry that has remained strong, we still experience inflation and price increases and all the crap credit card companies are trying to pull. And money has always been a sore spot between the two of us. We keep everything completely separate, with each of us paying our own bills and sharing the household responsibilities (although Steve does take care of most of those). Steve has always made more money than me. There were a few years there where he made more in bonuses than I did in annual salary. As it stands now, he makes three times what I make and I'm okay with that. I'm not bitter or jealous or harbor any of those types of feelings. His salary is what it is, and so is mine. However. I have always struggled with money and, although I think I do a pretty decent job of keeping my head above water (ok, so maybe most days I barely have my nose high enough to get air into my nostrils), I rarely have extra. I certainly don't have enough to make contributions to a savings account, or do anything nice for myself once in awhile. As you might imagine, this isn't always the case for Steve.

I'm not saying I'm ignored, neglected, or not well taken care of. I have what I need. But I do not like this set-up. I'm routinely left out of financial decisions, many of which affect my life. I don't feel financially secure, and quite frankly the whole thing makes me feel like I have a lesser role in this relationship.

But I'm especially scared now that Joey is coming. I don't quite know how to explain it -- I guess it's that not only will I have to give up a lot of time with Steve, but I'll also be left to fend for myself. I'm very uncomfortable with that. 

So yeah. There's a lot to work through, a lot of talking yet to do. Not that I haven't tried. I've been unsuccessful up to this point. The most frustrating thing is that I know that if we could just cooperate, and communicate, we could do so well and really get on track for a great financial situation. I know this. But my suggestions are consistently met with resistance. I don't fully know why, although I have a few good guesses. I've asked Steve to spend this week thinking about some things, and I'm hopeful that once he returns we'll be able to get a lot of our issues worked out. Wish us luck. :)

And as if this post wasn't already long enough, allow me to introduce a new topic. 

Liam is being an ass. Today was the first day since last July that he's seen his father, and all he could do was lie on the couch and moan. For no good reason other than he's been hit hard by the puberty monster and is having a difficult time adjusting to the realization that the sun doesn't rise and set on his derriere. I don't want to turn this into a rant about how infuriating this child can be -- let's just say he's been spoiled and coddled for a long time and now that he's growing up and things are changing, he's having a very difficult time handling it all. It's disappointing to Steve, who has done nothing for the past year but look forward to seeing his boys again. I had to remind him that it really has nothing to do with him -- Monica has been having the same problems with Liam for the past few months. And honestly? I feel for her. It has to be hard being a single parent having to deal with a moody, bratty kid. I'm sure she's counting down the minutes until Liam is out of her hands and into ours. 

I don't blame her. But I'm leary of how this summer might turn out. I don't do bratty kids, and I don't put up with bullshit. My own mother says I have no sympathy, and she's right. I don't. And I don't have the patience. Fortunately, I have a week to prepare myself and coach myself into handling any possible situations in the appropriate manner. I hope that Liam undergoes a dramatic transformation in the next few days and will behave like an angel while he's here. 

But I secretly hope he doesn't. I think he's dealing with some issues that need brought to light, and I don't think his mom or dad will be the ones to help this happen. They're too emotionally involved. I'm not. I also believe that children respond best when you're truthful and straight with them. They'll push against the boundaries, but honestly think the thing they want most is security. 

Lord help me. I only have a few days -- yikes!

Grace in Small Things

I read a lot of blogs and have noticed that the authors of many of my favorites have started this thing called "Grace in Small Things." Basically it's a take on Oprah's grateful journal, where you make a list each day of the things for which you're thankful. 

Last night was rough; arguing is never a pleasant activity especially when it's about something that simple communication and discussion would have solved ages ago. Things are much better today, and as usual I end up learning something from this latest exchange. I still have to insist on better communication, and I'm pretty sure I won't ever stop being persistent in trying to bring truths, thoughts and emotions to the surface. It's the only way a relationship can survive. However, I think I could probably approach this in a different manner than I have been; be more gentle, less confrontational. This is something to ponder, indeed.

Every time Steve and I go through a period like this, I end up with a deeper understanding of myself and our relationship. This is a good thing, I think, though obviously I would much rather discover these things only during happy times, but sometimes you have to sludge through the muck to reach the best revelations. 

And so this evening I suppose I'm feeling particularly grateful, and I think it's time to reflect -- or at least identify -- the things that make me feel this way. So here's my first stab at Grace in Small Things:

1. Steak and onions on the grill

2. A house that is becoming cozier by the day

3. Forgiveness

4. My future brother-in-law, for letting me borrow his car next week.

5. Family -- a brother I'm proud of, a cousin I can relate to, a momma and poppa who love me fiercely. 

Yes. Yes. This is nice. 

Well ... Huh.

Mother's Day seems to set off a myriad of emotions in our house. For me, it's gratitude for the awesome mama I have, plus a dash of jealousy that all my friends have adorable little toddlers and babies to snuggle. For Steve, it's regret that his relationship with his own mother is distant at best, coupled with some feelings of guilt for the family units he's left behind.

It's not so much that he misses the ex-wives. It's the idea of family, and all the things he's missing out on with the kids. For the past several months he's been wrestling with emotions concerning little Aiden, and the fact that due to distance and financial constraints, the two of them don't have the same type of relationship he has with Joey and Liam. As you can imagine, there is much guilt and self-beating up surrounding this situation.

Steve and I were having dinner last night at Logan's Roadhouse (have you tried the smoking hot grilled wings appetizer? Yuuummmm.) when somehow the conversation turned to Liam and Aiden's mom, Monica*. I said something to the effect of wishing she was at the bottom of a river somewhere (only kidding!) when Steve replied "You know where I wish she was? Ohio."

Uh, what?

"Ohio?" I asked. "Why Ohio?"

"So the boys would be closer. She's talked about moving to Ohio a couple of times."

Oh, really?

Monica was born and raised in North Dakota, and up until recently didn't have any plans to leave. Like, ever. During her marriage to Steve she had the opportunity to live with him while he was stationed in England, but refused because she didn't want to leave North Dakota. In fact, she dated a man from her hometown who is now one of Hollywood's hottest actors (and recently married a pop star), but the relationship ended because she didn't want to leave North Dakota. So it's a bit surprising that she would even consider moving to Ohio, of all places.

Of course, having children can change your perspective quite dramatically, especially when those children desperately miss their daddy. I'm at once appreciative of this display of selflessness, yet cautious because a.) I don't know if it will ever happen and I don't want to see Steve's heart broken if it doesn't, and b.) I really can't identify her true motives.

There's also the notion that Monica can be an uberbitch (I know she says mean things about me to Liam). If she does move closer, does that mean my life will be filled with drama? Right now, things work well because she and I have absolutely no relationship whatsoever. If I have an opinion about Liam and Aiden, I tell Steve and he can do with it whatever he likes. To her credit, Monica is an excellent mother. We (mostly) don't have a lot of the worries other divorced parents have about the former spouse, because we know the boys are very well taken care of.

Despite my reservations I have to recognize that if this possibility becomes reality, it will be the best possible thing for those boys. And for Steve. He misses those toeheads fiercely. And to be honest, I'd like a chance to have a closer relationship with them as well. I've never even met Aiden. And, now that Joey is moving in, it would be an opportunity for the three of them to develop a brotherly bond.

At this point I don't know how likely it is that anything will become of it. I don't know if she's serious or just pulling Steve's leg. I've offered, via Steve, to help as much as I can by doing some research or making phone calls to gather information. And I'm not going to worry about it. If this is to be, there will be plenty of time for that later. Right now, I think it is important that Steve and I express our support of this idea, and see what happens.

Life is a circus. Gah.

*Name changed to protect the innocent. And by innocent, I mean me. If Monica ever finds this site, I'm deeeeaaaaadddd.

Reaching Out

One of the oddest things about Joey coming to live with us is that I've never met his mother. In fact, I haven't had any type of contact with her in the four years I've been with Steve. No phone conversations, no e-mails, no letter -- nothing. In fact, if I were to pass her on a sidewalk I wouldn't know, because I don't even know what she looks like.

This isn't because there's hostility between us. Actually, Joey's mom is easier to deal with than Liam and Aiden's mother (Much, much easier, but we'll talk about that some other time). We just respect each other's space. Susan (again, name changed to protect privacy) lives in Phoenix and rarely contacts Steve unless there's an issue involving Joey to discuss. Steve and Joey talk or text each other nearly every day, but Susan doesn't interfere at all. It's as close to an ideal ex-spouse situation as it can get, and it has worked well for all of us.

Susan has another child, a son the same age as Liam. I don't know the specifics, nor is it any of my business, but she was married to his father but they've been divorced for awhile. She's since gotten re-married to a man who has a couple children of his own (they live with their mother). I don't know much about him, but Steve has met him several times and thinks he's an okay dude.

Man, we're just all over the place with the blended family stuff, aren't we?

I think Susan is making an incredible sacrifice by allowing Joey to move across the country to be with his father. It's not like he's just moving to a nearby town or the next neighborhood over -- it's hundreds of miles. I can't image what that would be like. I once had to send my dog to live with my parents for a few months and it nearly killed me.

I'm sure Susan has a lot of questions -- what kind of school Joey will attend, how he'll adjust, etc. And I'm sure she has questions about me. I'm not certain I could send my child to be step-mothered by a woman I've never met or know anything about. The first time Liam came to visit us for the summer, I had to drive to Wisconsin to meet his mother (though she didn't even speak to me).

So I'm thinking of sending Susan an e-mail to introduce myself, give her my phone number, and in general just start some sort of relationship with her. She's Joey's mother, after all, and always will be. I know I'll never replace her, and honestly I don't want to. But I think it would be in Joey's best interest if we kept all methods of communication open. I still plan to stay out of any controversial stuff that may arise, or anything that is strictly parental responsibility. I imagine myself sending her photos and little tidbits -- day to day stuff that moms like to know about. Hopefully we can even become friends.

What do you think? Is this a good idea, or should I just stay out of it?

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Look Before You Leap ...

I enjoy reading blogs, and probably spend more time than I should online catching up on my favorites and exploring new topics. The startup of this blog and the fact that I'm about to become a stepmother have particularly piqued my interest in seeking out other step-parent bloggers who share similar experiences.

One of the blogs I visit on a regular basis is Her Bad Mother's Basement, which is hosted by Catherine, the author of Her Bad Mother. The Basement isn't a blog in the traditional sense; it's a collection of confessions, vents, and stories that bloggers (or people in general) wouldn't feel comfortable posting on their own sites, or revealing to their friends and families. Ever wanted to put your insanely overbearing mother-in-law in her place but just don't have the guts to do it for real? Need opinions on a sticky situation you're in? Thinking about getting down and dirty in a forbidden affair with a co-worker and need-to-tell-someone-or-you'll-just-explode? That's the kind of stuff you'll find in The Basement. It's a really interesting site, as it provides evidence that everyone else is just as crazy as you are, going through a similar situation, or simply so insane that it makes your problems seem a little less severe.

A few days ago, The Basement featured an anonymous post by a woman in a relationship with a man who has four children. You can read the entire post for yourself, but basically she's saying she wants the relationship with the fella, but not his kids. In fact, she wants nothing to do with them -- at all.

Hello, red flag. To her credit, at least she recognizes how she feels. Sometimes figuring out your own emotions is the most difficult thing about being involved with someone who has children. However, shouldn't this be a ginormous signal to her that she needs to end the relationship?

My personal situation is a little different. I didn't know Steve had children until after we had dated for several months (yeah, I know). But despite whatever ideas I had about "us" at the time, and especially despite my feelings about the situation, I recognized that those three boys were and would always be Steve's priority. In fact, if Steve wasn't such a good dad and didn't do everything in his power to take care of them, we wouldn't be together now.

And so Keep Away's position is difficult to understand. It's perfectly ok for her to feel that way, and it's ok for her to wish that things were different and she could have her guy all to herself. Those are honest feelings, and ones I admit to having from time to time. It's not ok to expect him to abandon his children. That's the highest degree of selfishness.

I'll be truthful. That first year we were together and Steve left me in West Virginia to spend Christmas with Liam and Aiden in North Dakota? Totally sucked. I didn't like it one bit. The second year, when he did the same? Worse! I was even more hacked off that both times he spent Christmas Eve at his former in-laws' house. I was supremely hurt, and even angry. And yes, selfish.

But I understood. I do wish more effort had been made to include me in some way, but then again when kids don't get to see their dad for months and months the last thing they want is his girlfriend tagging along, and at that point they hadn't met me yet. Things are different now, and we make holiday plans accordingly.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that anyone even considering getting involved with someone who has children should first spend a significant amount of time soul-searching before they take that next step. They'll save themselves a lot of unnecessary heartache if they do. If you're not prepared to play second fiddle, deal with an ex-spouse, or endure any of the other amount of endless crap that goes along with it, RUN! And for goodness sake, if you don't like children in general, don't even consider it.

On the other hand, if you adore kids, aren't afraid of sometimes tough situations, and feel you can positively contribute to the lives of the children, you might want to give it a try. It's not easy, but if you keep your head up and some sense about you, it can actually be a very rewarding experience.

Speaking personally, this has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But it's taught me so much about myself and has contributed to my personal growth in so many ways that I'm actually (mostly) thankful for it.

Teeter ... Totter

Have any of you ever gone from being childless to suddenly parenting a teenager? After much waffling over the past two years, Steve's oldest son, Joey, has decided to live with us. This is both exciting and terrifying ... but mostly terrifying considering that my experience with teenage boys is limited to remembering what my younger brother was like at that age and the few weeks we've had with the boys during their past two summer visits.

Joey has been considering this move for awhile. At first, his intent was to escape school-induced persecution. He had a tough sixth-grade year, particularly in math. I'm not exactly sure what the problem was: the subject matter itself (which, come on, it's math ... who likes math?), pubescent pre-teen hormones that found girls much more interesting than pre-algebra, or that his math teacher was a woman (Joey's respect level for female authority figures leaves much to be desired, but this will change). Whatever the case, his grades were poor and he stood a good chance of having to repeat sixth grade.

Knowing this, Joey's plan was to move to West Virginia if he got held back. The problem? Well first, he didn't discuss this with his mother or father. Secondly, his idea was missing a key element. If he moved, he would face none of the embarrassment or challenge of failing. Now, while I don't support forcing a child to endure undue punishment or ridicule, in this case failing a grade was the direct result of Joey's own actions -- or more appropriately, his inaction. There are consequences in life, and the sooner children learn this important lesson, the better.

Joey spent the summer at our house scared to death that he would be held back. Fortunately, he wasn't, and I think the weeks and weeks of worry were punishment enough on the poor kid.

But there were still some issues that needed resolved. Joey's seventh-grade year didn't start well. His behavior was horrible, and he still struggled in his math class. In fact, he wasn't turning in homework assignments. The good part was that his mother and Steve were able to work together to get him back on track. His teachers began sending e-mail updates on his behavior and academic progress to both parents. Joey's mom and Steve spoke regularly on the phone, and when Joey misbehaved, he had to answer to both of them. It turns out that he was intentionally trying to get in trouble in hopes that his mom would simply give up in frustration and ship him back across the country to us. But his mother and Steve agreed: if he wanted to live with his dad, that could be addressed, but acting like a juvenile delinquent was not going to produce the results Joey wanted.

And so Joey's behavior and schoolwork improved. He spent another summer with us and returned to Arizona to begin his freshman year of high school. Thankfully, he loves high school. Not so much the studies, but the socialization and the girls. But whatever, as long as he's interested in going to school, we'll take it and pray that he learns something useful along the way.

Joey spent Christmas here in West Virginia. It was at that time he and Steve began seriously discussing the possibility of him moving here permanently. At first, Joey was all about it. But his enthusiasm began to wane when he considered leaving his friends and a school he actually liked. You see, Joey has moved around -- a lot. As in, he's attended at least six different schools in his lifetime. I don't know the full story, and I'm in no position to judge, so we'll leave it at that. Understandably, he was apprehensive about starting all over again. He went back to Arizona unsure about what he wanted, but promising his dad that he would seriously think about it.

Steve was pretty much heartbroken. He's wanted to be a "real" dad to his boys for so long ... but life and the physical distance between them makes it really difficult. I have to give him credit, though -- he expressed his desire for Joey to live here, explained the benefits, and let Joey decide for himself. No pressure, despite wanting it so badly.

That's where things stood until the middle of April. Out of the blue, Steve gets a text message from Joey saying he wanted to move here and was going to talk to his mom about it. Later that evening, his mom called and spoke to Steve and viola! Everything was worked out and Joey would be moving in.

It really did happen that quickly. Steve is ecstastic. I'm happy about it, because I think we can give him the life he hasn't had. I'm also nervous, because neither of us has ever been a full-time, hands-on parent. It will be a challenge for us. It will also be a challenge for Joey. I'm a no-bullcrap kind of girl. I have high expectations. I'm picky about my house. I absolutely won't tolerate disrespect toward women (though that's becoming less of a problem). Fortunately, Joey knows this because he's spent time with us. We've butted heads in the past, but we get along. And I really do love the kid -- you can't help but love him.

So we'll see how this goes. I've got 11 weeks to prepare myself. Lord have mercy.

Inauguration.

Hi, I'm Jenny. In three months, I become a stepmother to three boys. One is a teenager who gets his learner's permit on my watch. One is in the throes of puberty. One just turned 5. And I'm clearly out of my mind.

I met their father exactly four years ago on this very date. I didn't know he had children, and wouldn't know until six months into our relationship. There are two ex-wives, and both of them live thousands of miles away (which is something I highly recommend if you're going to become involved with someone who has an ex-spouse. Or several). The oldest, Joey*, currently lives in a suburb of Phoenix. I say "currently" because he has decided to live with with his father and will be moving in with us in mid-July. The other two, Liam* and Aiden*, live with their mother in North Dakota. Their dad (Steve) and I live in West Virginia. It's not an ideal geographic situation, but we make it work the best we can. Joey and Liam have spent the past two summers with us, and we're looking forward to the time when Aiden can join them.

Some background on me. I grew up in a small town in north-central West Virginia. I have a bachelor's degree in journalism and am two weeks shy of completing my master's degree in integrated marketing and communications. By day, I work as marketing director for an electric cooperative. I'm one of those rare people you meet who loves her job. My life right now is consumed with finishing my capstone project, planning my August wedding, and coming to grips with Joey's arrival and everything it entails, including getting him enrolled in school and getting his bedroom set up. Oh yeah, and working on the house Steve and I bought last year. We're trying our darndest to get grass growing in our yard.

I didn't mention that my baby brother, Matt, also lives with Steve and me. He's staying with us while he completes his college degree at a school in this area. My friends tell me there's too much testosterone in my house ... I'm inclined to agree!

My intent with this blog is to chronicle this aspect of my life. I'm looking forward to having these fellas in my life. I also know it's going to be a challenge of ginormous proportions. It's not going to be easy. But I hope that sharing my experiences will help others in similar situations, just as I hope those people will share their ideas and struggles with me. Thanks for stopping by, and please come back again soon.

*For the purposes of this blog, I've changed the names of the children. They're not my children, and I felt uncomfortable with splashing their identities all over the Internet. While they're an integral part of this blog, my writing will focus on my experiences as a stepmother. I'll take every precaution to protect the boys and respect their privacy.