That's a serious, not rhetorical, question. I think some of us are just born with internal sensors that squawk and buzz and warn us when we're about to reach the point of combustion. And others aren't.
I was one of the 9 million viewers who tuned in Monday night for the season premiere of "Jon & Kate Plus 8" on TLC. It was at once horrifying and heartbreaking, and provided clear evidence that the show, in its original context, has run its course. We're no longer following the lives of two people trying to keep up with eight children; we're rubber-necking on a train wreck. I won't get into who I think is to blame, or what I think about the Gosselins, or whether I believe they're exploiting their kids. That stuff is already being slung around the Internet, and I'm sure my opinions are no different from what's out there.
Despite the gossip and accusations surrounding the state of the Gosselin family, what their show has inadvertently accomplished, at least at this recent stage, is that is has gotten many people thinking about what it really means to be married and a parent. Obviously Jon and Kate's situation is extreme; few couples find themselves parenting that many children. But you know what? It doesn't matter if you have eight kids or one -- family stuff is hard.
I suppose it isn't appropriate for me to speak with any kind of authority on this issue since I'm neither married (yet) nor a (biological) parent. However, these are roles I'll take on in a mere two months' time and I've had to do a lot of thinking about what this will mean. I've also done quite a bit of research on how I'm supposed to behave as a second, er, third wife and stepmother.
There's a lot of stuff out there on these topics, and it's mostly crap. Apparently, a new wife and stepmother's main duty is to completely push aside her own needs so she can focus on the tireless pursuit of ensuring the comfort of her husband and stepchildren. We are taught that nothing comes before a parent's relationship with his/her children, and those who preach this doctrine would also have us believe that the ex-spouse's wishes are paramount.
Oh, puh-lease.
We forget that a marriage is a relationship between two people. Just two. When I marry Steve in August, I am not marrying his ex-wives. I'm not marrying his children. I am consciously accepting and involving them in my life, but they are not my partner and, honestly, not my top priority. My main concern is providing love and support to Steve and doing my part to build a good life for ourselves. And thus, I expect to also be Steve's first priority.
I'll pause a minute to allow you time to stop choking.
Am I a horrible person for expecting to be Steve's priority? Above his children? I frankly don't think so. As Steve's partner, it's just as much my responsibility to make sure his sons are happy, safe, and well taken care of. It's a shared duty, and one I fully accept; however, I can't be expected to follow through with that if my own happiness is compromised. That doesn't mean that I expect to rule with an iron fist -- far from it, actually. But what good are we to our family if we can't take care of each other?
Maybe that's where Jon & Kate went wrong. They were young when they married and thrust into an overwhelming situation early in their marriage. Perhaps they just didn't have enough time to dedicate to each other, and now they're struggling because they have different ideas about their relationship, their family, their show, and very possibly themselves. They keep talking about coming together for the kids, but where are they in all of this? What about their own relationship? They don't seem very interested in coming together for that.
And, seriously. If they're not interested in working on it, they need to just stop. Be adults, find a resolution, and get on with life. Hopefully they can at the very least serve as an example of what not to do.
I don't pretend to have all the answers, and I do worry sometimes how my own marriage will pan out. That's why I think it's so important to resolve these issues now, rather than 10 years into it. It'll be a work in progress, but I'm dedicated to the cause. Happiness is far too important to risk.
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