Oh, the wonder.

To say that it's been interesting around here would not do it justice.

This is my very last week in my house without children. Steve headed north on Saturday to spend the week with Liam and Aiden and will return this weekend with Liam. I'll admit it; I feel weird about this -- the idea, nay fact, that after these next few days my life will never be the same. I'm nervous and I'm not sure I'm adequately prepared for it, though I have spent quite some time imagining all of the horrible possibilities and scenarios. I'm very good at overreacting. 

I don't know how long Liam will be here. Steve hasn't discussed a return date with Monica, so right now I'm not sure if he'll be here for the wedding, or even how much time -- if any -- he will have to spend with Joey, who arrives July 19. I hope Liam will be able to spend the entire summer with us, and I think that it is a very real possibility for reasons I'll get into in a few minutes. 

So yeah. I anticipate that the first few months with Joey will be the roughest. He's previously only been here during the summer or holidays, so it will take some time to get him (and Steve) acclimated to the reality that he's living here, not just hanging out. There will be schoolwork, chores, activities, all the regular family-type things that are going to require effort and discipline from all of us. Once we get settled, though, I think things will be ok. I hope. :)

The things I'm struggling with right now mostly concern questions I have about my place in all of this. I'm the stepmom, and honestly that is a role I never pictured myself in. I never consciously ruled it out, but my ideas about my future always started with a husband and baby, not a teenager (I know now that this was a very antique way of thinking). In my scenario, the man and the woman would begin at the same starting line. Alas, that is not to be. Obviously, Steve and Joey are going to have a tighter bond -- not just as father and son, but as guys. I know Steve will want to make up for lost time, and the two of them will often be off doing activities in which I have zero interest. That's going to be a huge change for me, because cheesiness aside, Steve is my buddy. I guess I fear being left out.

I'm also fearful of how our household is set up -- or rather, not set up. I am fully aware that millions of people are struggling in this economy. Although Steve and I work in an industry that has remained strong, we still experience inflation and price increases and all the crap credit card companies are trying to pull. And money has always been a sore spot between the two of us. We keep everything completely separate, with each of us paying our own bills and sharing the household responsibilities (although Steve does take care of most of those). Steve has always made more money than me. There were a few years there where he made more in bonuses than I did in annual salary. As it stands now, he makes three times what I make and I'm okay with that. I'm not bitter or jealous or harbor any of those types of feelings. His salary is what it is, and so is mine. However. I have always struggled with money and, although I think I do a pretty decent job of keeping my head above water (ok, so maybe most days I barely have my nose high enough to get air into my nostrils), I rarely have extra. I certainly don't have enough to make contributions to a savings account, or do anything nice for myself once in awhile. As you might imagine, this isn't always the case for Steve.

I'm not saying I'm ignored, neglected, or not well taken care of. I have what I need. But I do not like this set-up. I'm routinely left out of financial decisions, many of which affect my life. I don't feel financially secure, and quite frankly the whole thing makes me feel like I have a lesser role in this relationship.

But I'm especially scared now that Joey is coming. I don't quite know how to explain it -- I guess it's that not only will I have to give up a lot of time with Steve, but I'll also be left to fend for myself. I'm very uncomfortable with that. 

So yeah. There's a lot to work through, a lot of talking yet to do. Not that I haven't tried. I've been unsuccessful up to this point. The most frustrating thing is that I know that if we could just cooperate, and communicate, we could do so well and really get on track for a great financial situation. I know this. But my suggestions are consistently met with resistance. I don't fully know why, although I have a few good guesses. I've asked Steve to spend this week thinking about some things, and I'm hopeful that once he returns we'll be able to get a lot of our issues worked out. Wish us luck. :)

And as if this post wasn't already long enough, allow me to introduce a new topic. 

Liam is being an ass. Today was the first day since last July that he's seen his father, and all he could do was lie on the couch and moan. For no good reason other than he's been hit hard by the puberty monster and is having a difficult time adjusting to the realization that the sun doesn't rise and set on his derriere. I don't want to turn this into a rant about how infuriating this child can be -- let's just say he's been spoiled and coddled for a long time and now that he's growing up and things are changing, he's having a very difficult time handling it all. It's disappointing to Steve, who has done nothing for the past year but look forward to seeing his boys again. I had to remind him that it really has nothing to do with him -- Monica has been having the same problems with Liam for the past few months. And honestly? I feel for her. It has to be hard being a single parent having to deal with a moody, bratty kid. I'm sure she's counting down the minutes until Liam is out of her hands and into ours. 

I don't blame her. But I'm leary of how this summer might turn out. I don't do bratty kids, and I don't put up with bullshit. My own mother says I have no sympathy, and she's right. I don't. And I don't have the patience. Fortunately, I have a week to prepare myself and coach myself into handling any possible situations in the appropriate manner. I hope that Liam undergoes a dramatic transformation in the next few days and will behave like an angel while he's here. 

But I secretly hope he doesn't. I think he's dealing with some issues that need brought to light, and I don't think his mom or dad will be the ones to help this happen. They're too emotionally involved. I'm not. I also believe that children respond best when you're truthful and straight with them. They'll push against the boundaries, but honestly think the thing they want most is security. 

Lord help me. I only have a few days -- yikes!