Look Before You Leap ...

I enjoy reading blogs, and probably spend more time than I should online catching up on my favorites and exploring new topics. The startup of this blog and the fact that I'm about to become a stepmother have particularly piqued my interest in seeking out other step-parent bloggers who share similar experiences.

One of the blogs I visit on a regular basis is Her Bad Mother's Basement, which is hosted by Catherine, the author of Her Bad Mother. The Basement isn't a blog in the traditional sense; it's a collection of confessions, vents, and stories that bloggers (or people in general) wouldn't feel comfortable posting on their own sites, or revealing to their friends and families. Ever wanted to put your insanely overbearing mother-in-law in her place but just don't have the guts to do it for real? Need opinions on a sticky situation you're in? Thinking about getting down and dirty in a forbidden affair with a co-worker and need-to-tell-someone-or-you'll-just-explode? That's the kind of stuff you'll find in The Basement. It's a really interesting site, as it provides evidence that everyone else is just as crazy as you are, going through a similar situation, or simply so insane that it makes your problems seem a little less severe.

A few days ago, The Basement featured an anonymous post by a woman in a relationship with a man who has four children. You can read the entire post for yourself, but basically she's saying she wants the relationship with the fella, but not his kids. In fact, she wants nothing to do with them -- at all.

Hello, red flag. To her credit, at least she recognizes how she feels. Sometimes figuring out your own emotions is the most difficult thing about being involved with someone who has children. However, shouldn't this be a ginormous signal to her that she needs to end the relationship?

My personal situation is a little different. I didn't know Steve had children until after we had dated for several months (yeah, I know). But despite whatever ideas I had about "us" at the time, and especially despite my feelings about the situation, I recognized that those three boys were and would always be Steve's priority. In fact, if Steve wasn't such a good dad and didn't do everything in his power to take care of them, we wouldn't be together now.

And so Keep Away's position is difficult to understand. It's perfectly ok for her to feel that way, and it's ok for her to wish that things were different and she could have her guy all to herself. Those are honest feelings, and ones I admit to having from time to time. It's not ok to expect him to abandon his children. That's the highest degree of selfishness.

I'll be truthful. That first year we were together and Steve left me in West Virginia to spend Christmas with Liam and Aiden in North Dakota? Totally sucked. I didn't like it one bit. The second year, when he did the same? Worse! I was even more hacked off that both times he spent Christmas Eve at his former in-laws' house. I was supremely hurt, and even angry. And yes, selfish.

But I understood. I do wish more effort had been made to include me in some way, but then again when kids don't get to see their dad for months and months the last thing they want is his girlfriend tagging along, and at that point they hadn't met me yet. Things are different now, and we make holiday plans accordingly.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that anyone even considering getting involved with someone who has children should first spend a significant amount of time soul-searching before they take that next step. They'll save themselves a lot of unnecessary heartache if they do. If you're not prepared to play second fiddle, deal with an ex-spouse, or endure any of the other amount of endless crap that goes along with it, RUN! And for goodness sake, if you don't like children in general, don't even consider it.

On the other hand, if you adore kids, aren't afraid of sometimes tough situations, and feel you can positively contribute to the lives of the children, you might want to give it a try. It's not easy, but if you keep your head up and some sense about you, it can actually be a very rewarding experience.

Speaking personally, this has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But it's taught me so much about myself and has contributed to my personal growth in so many ways that I'm actually (mostly) thankful for it.