Look Before You Leap ...

I enjoy reading blogs, and probably spend more time than I should online catching up on my favorites and exploring new topics. The startup of this blog and the fact that I'm about to become a stepmother have particularly piqued my interest in seeking out other step-parent bloggers who share similar experiences.

One of the blogs I visit on a regular basis is Her Bad Mother's Basement, which is hosted by Catherine, the author of Her Bad Mother. The Basement isn't a blog in the traditional sense; it's a collection of confessions, vents, and stories that bloggers (or people in general) wouldn't feel comfortable posting on their own sites, or revealing to their friends and families. Ever wanted to put your insanely overbearing mother-in-law in her place but just don't have the guts to do it for real? Need opinions on a sticky situation you're in? Thinking about getting down and dirty in a forbidden affair with a co-worker and need-to-tell-someone-or-you'll-just-explode? That's the kind of stuff you'll find in The Basement. It's a really interesting site, as it provides evidence that everyone else is just as crazy as you are, going through a similar situation, or simply so insane that it makes your problems seem a little less severe.

A few days ago, The Basement featured an anonymous post by a woman in a relationship with a man who has four children. You can read the entire post for yourself, but basically she's saying she wants the relationship with the fella, but not his kids. In fact, she wants nothing to do with them -- at all.

Hello, red flag. To her credit, at least she recognizes how she feels. Sometimes figuring out your own emotions is the most difficult thing about being involved with someone who has children. However, shouldn't this be a ginormous signal to her that she needs to end the relationship?

My personal situation is a little different. I didn't know Steve had children until after we had dated for several months (yeah, I know). But despite whatever ideas I had about "us" at the time, and especially despite my feelings about the situation, I recognized that those three boys were and would always be Steve's priority. In fact, if Steve wasn't such a good dad and didn't do everything in his power to take care of them, we wouldn't be together now.

And so Keep Away's position is difficult to understand. It's perfectly ok for her to feel that way, and it's ok for her to wish that things were different and she could have her guy all to herself. Those are honest feelings, and ones I admit to having from time to time. It's not ok to expect him to abandon his children. That's the highest degree of selfishness.

I'll be truthful. That first year we were together and Steve left me in West Virginia to spend Christmas with Liam and Aiden in North Dakota? Totally sucked. I didn't like it one bit. The second year, when he did the same? Worse! I was even more hacked off that both times he spent Christmas Eve at his former in-laws' house. I was supremely hurt, and even angry. And yes, selfish.

But I understood. I do wish more effort had been made to include me in some way, but then again when kids don't get to see their dad for months and months the last thing they want is his girlfriend tagging along, and at that point they hadn't met me yet. Things are different now, and we make holiday plans accordingly.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that anyone even considering getting involved with someone who has children should first spend a significant amount of time soul-searching before they take that next step. They'll save themselves a lot of unnecessary heartache if they do. If you're not prepared to play second fiddle, deal with an ex-spouse, or endure any of the other amount of endless crap that goes along with it, RUN! And for goodness sake, if you don't like children in general, don't even consider it.

On the other hand, if you adore kids, aren't afraid of sometimes tough situations, and feel you can positively contribute to the lives of the children, you might want to give it a try. It's not easy, but if you keep your head up and some sense about you, it can actually be a very rewarding experience.

Speaking personally, this has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But it's taught me so much about myself and has contributed to my personal growth in so many ways that I'm actually (mostly) thankful for it.

Teeter ... Totter

Have any of you ever gone from being childless to suddenly parenting a teenager? After much waffling over the past two years, Steve's oldest son, Joey, has decided to live with us. This is both exciting and terrifying ... but mostly terrifying considering that my experience with teenage boys is limited to remembering what my younger brother was like at that age and the few weeks we've had with the boys during their past two summer visits.

Joey has been considering this move for awhile. At first, his intent was to escape school-induced persecution. He had a tough sixth-grade year, particularly in math. I'm not exactly sure what the problem was: the subject matter itself (which, come on, it's math ... who likes math?), pubescent pre-teen hormones that found girls much more interesting than pre-algebra, or that his math teacher was a woman (Joey's respect level for female authority figures leaves much to be desired, but this will change). Whatever the case, his grades were poor and he stood a good chance of having to repeat sixth grade.

Knowing this, Joey's plan was to move to West Virginia if he got held back. The problem? Well first, he didn't discuss this with his mother or father. Secondly, his idea was missing a key element. If he moved, he would face none of the embarrassment or challenge of failing. Now, while I don't support forcing a child to endure undue punishment or ridicule, in this case failing a grade was the direct result of Joey's own actions -- or more appropriately, his inaction. There are consequences in life, and the sooner children learn this important lesson, the better.

Joey spent the summer at our house scared to death that he would be held back. Fortunately, he wasn't, and I think the weeks and weeks of worry were punishment enough on the poor kid.

But there were still some issues that needed resolved. Joey's seventh-grade year didn't start well. His behavior was horrible, and he still struggled in his math class. In fact, he wasn't turning in homework assignments. The good part was that his mother and Steve were able to work together to get him back on track. His teachers began sending e-mail updates on his behavior and academic progress to both parents. Joey's mom and Steve spoke regularly on the phone, and when Joey misbehaved, he had to answer to both of them. It turns out that he was intentionally trying to get in trouble in hopes that his mom would simply give up in frustration and ship him back across the country to us. But his mother and Steve agreed: if he wanted to live with his dad, that could be addressed, but acting like a juvenile delinquent was not going to produce the results Joey wanted.

And so Joey's behavior and schoolwork improved. He spent another summer with us and returned to Arizona to begin his freshman year of high school. Thankfully, he loves high school. Not so much the studies, but the socialization and the girls. But whatever, as long as he's interested in going to school, we'll take it and pray that he learns something useful along the way.

Joey spent Christmas here in West Virginia. It was at that time he and Steve began seriously discussing the possibility of him moving here permanently. At first, Joey was all about it. But his enthusiasm began to wane when he considered leaving his friends and a school he actually liked. You see, Joey has moved around -- a lot. As in, he's attended at least six different schools in his lifetime. I don't know the full story, and I'm in no position to judge, so we'll leave it at that. Understandably, he was apprehensive about starting all over again. He went back to Arizona unsure about what he wanted, but promising his dad that he would seriously think about it.

Steve was pretty much heartbroken. He's wanted to be a "real" dad to his boys for so long ... but life and the physical distance between them makes it really difficult. I have to give him credit, though -- he expressed his desire for Joey to live here, explained the benefits, and let Joey decide for himself. No pressure, despite wanting it so badly.

That's where things stood until the middle of April. Out of the blue, Steve gets a text message from Joey saying he wanted to move here and was going to talk to his mom about it. Later that evening, his mom called and spoke to Steve and viola! Everything was worked out and Joey would be moving in.

It really did happen that quickly. Steve is ecstastic. I'm happy about it, because I think we can give him the life he hasn't had. I'm also nervous, because neither of us has ever been a full-time, hands-on parent. It will be a challenge for us. It will also be a challenge for Joey. I'm a no-bullcrap kind of girl. I have high expectations. I'm picky about my house. I absolutely won't tolerate disrespect toward women (though that's becoming less of a problem). Fortunately, Joey knows this because he's spent time with us. We've butted heads in the past, but we get along. And I really do love the kid -- you can't help but love him.

So we'll see how this goes. I've got 11 weeks to prepare myself. Lord have mercy.

Inauguration.

Hi, I'm Jenny. In three months, I become a stepmother to three boys. One is a teenager who gets his learner's permit on my watch. One is in the throes of puberty. One just turned 5. And I'm clearly out of my mind.

I met their father exactly four years ago on this very date. I didn't know he had children, and wouldn't know until six months into our relationship. There are two ex-wives, and both of them live thousands of miles away (which is something I highly recommend if you're going to become involved with someone who has an ex-spouse. Or several). The oldest, Joey*, currently lives in a suburb of Phoenix. I say "currently" because he has decided to live with with his father and will be moving in with us in mid-July. The other two, Liam* and Aiden*, live with their mother in North Dakota. Their dad (Steve) and I live in West Virginia. It's not an ideal geographic situation, but we make it work the best we can. Joey and Liam have spent the past two summers with us, and we're looking forward to the time when Aiden can join them.

Some background on me. I grew up in a small town in north-central West Virginia. I have a bachelor's degree in journalism and am two weeks shy of completing my master's degree in integrated marketing and communications. By day, I work as marketing director for an electric cooperative. I'm one of those rare people you meet who loves her job. My life right now is consumed with finishing my capstone project, planning my August wedding, and coming to grips with Joey's arrival and everything it entails, including getting him enrolled in school and getting his bedroom set up. Oh yeah, and working on the house Steve and I bought last year. We're trying our darndest to get grass growing in our yard.

I didn't mention that my baby brother, Matt, also lives with Steve and me. He's staying with us while he completes his college degree at a school in this area. My friends tell me there's too much testosterone in my house ... I'm inclined to agree!

My intent with this blog is to chronicle this aspect of my life. I'm looking forward to having these fellas in my life. I also know it's going to be a challenge of ginormous proportions. It's not going to be easy. But I hope that sharing my experiences will help others in similar situations, just as I hope those people will share their ideas and struggles with me. Thanks for stopping by, and please come back again soon.

*For the purposes of this blog, I've changed the names of the children. They're not my children, and I felt uncomfortable with splashing their identities all over the Internet. While they're an integral part of this blog, my writing will focus on my experiences as a stepmother. I'll take every precaution to protect the boys and respect their privacy.