Moving.

I think I'm packing my bags and headed for a better blogging host. This one just isn't doing it for me! I'll keep you updated.

Pawns.

The shine on my resolve to be a good stepmother suffered a scratch this weekend. But to my credit, it actually had nothing to do with Liam.

I won't lie and say that I don't care that the boy is still in his pajamas when I get home from work at 4:45 p.m., or that he has done nothing but play video games, watch TV and eat junk all day. It's not the healthiest way for a child to spend the summer. It bothers me, because I feel he could be doing much more productive things with his time, and allowing this behavior does nothing to teach him responsibility. His mom has a lot of trouble getting him to help with chores and letting him off the hook at our house doesn't help her cause.

I haven't said anything about his room being messy, and I haven't demanded that he do chores. I've asked him to do little things, like take such-and-such out the garage, for example. But that's as far as it's gone. Messy rooms aggravate me, yes, but I've learned that it's often much easier to shut the door than it is to continually harp about it. Besides, his room is still so full of Steve's junk that the kid doesn't have much room for his stuff, anyway, so it's rather unfair to get upset about it.

But there ARE things that Liam could do around the house to make things easier for the family, and to give him something to do. Simple things like loading and unloading the dishwasher, making sure the bathroom is picked up, etc.

Apparently, I am a VERY BAD PERSON for thinking this way. I mentioned my ideas to Steve Saturday morning and was immediately met with hostility because "your brother doesn't do anything."

(My brother lives with us while he attends college. Steve has paid some of his tuition bills, and this has become a HUGE source of contention. But that's a rant for another day.)

It pissed me off. A lot. For one thing, my brother is in school. He attends class, does his homework, and is making good grades. He also showers and gets dressed every day and, in general, pretty much keeps to himself. Could he help out more around the house? Absolutely.

But this discussion wasn't about him. It was about Liam. And Steve immediately wanted to turn it into a "mine against yours" argument. And when you're playing with imperfect pieces, no one wins the game. Gah.

I've more than once been accused of being spoiled and controlling. I wouldn't go that far, but I concede that I like having things my way, and to being unhappy until they are. It's not a trait I'm proud of. On the other hand, I am proud that I am able to stick up for myself. It's taken me nearly 30 years to learn how to not be a pushover, and damn it, nobody's going to turn me into one now.

And so we fought. Steve actually yelled and cursed at me over the phone while Liam was sitting next to him, which was not entirely helpful. I think my problem is that when the boys are here I struggle with figuring out exactly where I fit. No one recognizes me in a "mother" role.

Don't get me wrong -- I'm definitely not trying to be or replace their mothers. But when I disapprove of how they behave, the language they use, or how they spend their time, it's as if my opinion doesn't count. Steve is so concerned with being their buddy that he forgets that he needs to be their dad. His only goal is for them to have enough fun every summer that they want to come back. I want them to have fun, too, but we can't ignore reality. They're still kids, and they need guidance just as much as they need fun. My dilemma is figuring out how to make sure they get enough of both.

Or is it my dilemma? Should I even care? I keep thinking that it would be so easy to give up and quit giving a fuck about anything they do. SO. EASY. But it's my house, too, and my life they're interfering with. Let me say it again: IT'S MY HOUSE, TOO, and I should have some say over how the children in it are to behave, regardless of whether I gave birth to them.

I really wanted to not fight about the kids this summer. I was trying really hard, and I'll continue to do so. But damn, does it ever get any easier? How long to I have to be the bad guy?

Chatty Cathy

Is it wrong to feel irritated that this is the second time this week I've been left to entertain Liam by myself?

I can't really blame Steve because he had legitimate work reasons for coming home late. But I find myself aggravated when I'm left to fly solo because despite Liam being old enough to be self-sufficient, he's absolutely exhausting.

The kid is constantly talking. On Tuesday evening, he sat beside me playing his PSP and actually narrated everything he was doing in the game. On the way home from dinner last night, he talked so much he would ask a question and not even allow enough time for someone to answer. He interrupts. He disagrees. If he's not talking, he's laughing. He. Won't. Shut. Up.

I've realized that one area that is lacking in my relationship with the boys is communication. It's so hard to not just nod my head and murmer "uh-huh," "yeah," "interesting." It's not that I purposely don't want to pay attention. I just can't sometimes. It's mind-numbing. Sometimes I go to the bathroom just for a few moments of silence.

I wonder if he's like this with his mom. Liam has mentioned that his mom usually comes home from work and just kind of collapses, so I figure he ends up entertaining himself pretty often. But for goodness sake -- she's a single working mother. Did I mention she teaches preschool? Of course she's tired when she gets home. And hello -- Liam is 12. He's old enough to keep himself occupied without needing an audience every waking moment of his life.

Then again, he does spend the day alone while he's here, so he might just be lonely. Even adults crave conversation sometimes. But geez-oh-man, the constant chattering is going to make my brain bleed out my ears. I suffer from sensory overload enough as it is -- and this is only making it worse!

Short of stuffing my ears with plugs, I guess I'll just have to develop some sort of coping mechanism. Or have Steve talk to him about it. I don't really want to go that route, though, because I'm trying REALLY hard to not complain about the boys this summer (unless undeniably warranted -- I'm not a pushover). It's been really easy so far, but something's gotta give when it comes to Liam's wratchetjaw. It's not only annoying -- it's socially rude. He can't go around always talking over people.

But how do you tell a child to FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, CAN IT!!!

Smarty Pants

According to his school principal, Liam earned the highest grades in the entire sixth grade and will be enrolled in all honors courses next year.

Woot!

The principal actually called Monica to tell her the news. He added that he doesn't think Liam is being challenged enough and asked for permission to step it up a few notches for the seventh-grade year. That Liam, he's a smart boy!

Although he was pretty nonchalant when Steve told him the news last night, you could tell he was pleased. He's a tiny bit apprehensive that he won't have classes with any of his friends, but the kid enjoys challenge and being the "best" so much that I'm positive these feelings will be short-lived.

It's hard to not be proud of him. I know you shouldn't put labels on children or compare them to their siblings, but Liam is definitely our "Smart One." Aiden is "The Worker," while Joey is the "Tough One." Three distinct personalities, shaped by the unique circumstances life dealt them.

You know, I'm lucky. I complain a lot, and in doing so often forget that I've been blessed with the opportunity to have these boys in my life.

I have told the boys that although it sucks that their parents are divorced, we aren't the only people in this situation and at some point we all have to suck it up and just deal. I stand by that, and I won't apologize for not coddling them. But you know what? We're making it work. Their mothers, their dad, and even me -- we're doing what has to be done to make sure they are safe and loved. And because of that -- because they have so many people who care about them, they are lucky too.

It ain't all peaches and cream, folks. But it could be a whole lot worse. I'd do well to remind myself of that more often.

Who knew?

Well, it's here.

More precisely, he's here. Steve and Liam returned late Friday night and my tenure as stepmother has begun. And you know what? It hasn't been as nightmarish as I anticipated. It feels ... normal. I guess that after two summers and one holiday spent with the kids, I'm finally at peace with this strange family situation we have.

And honestly? Hallelujah! It's about damn time.

There are several factors that I believe have made this summer a lot easier. First and foremost, I've done a lot of growing up this past year. I've spent a lot of time thinking about my relationship with Steve, my personal boundaries, and my limitations. I've learned how to stand up for myself, and I've learned to give in and compromise when necessary. It has certainly made life run more smoothly.

Secondly, I didn't go with Steve to pick Liam up, as I have the past two summers. Steve really wanted -- and needed -- to spend a few days with Aiden. I couldn't take an entire week off of work to accompany him, and I also felt that they needed one-on-one time. Aiden doesn't know me yet, and he really just needed some Daddy time. Staying home eliminated the anxiety and stress I've always felt when having to see Monica, and I don't feel defensive about myself or my relationship with Steve and the boys.

Thus, I'm not as resistant or hostile toward Liam when he does things that make me crazy. He can be a bit of a know-it-all, is outrageously competitive, and sometimes mistakenly believes he should participate in adult conversations on topics that are none of his business. He's still a kid, so I can't be too hard on him. And he does have quite a few good qualities as well. But for the first time, Steve has recognized his less-than-stellar attributes. Even better? Monica has realized this, too. I'm not pleased that she's had trouble with his behavior toward her, but I'm secretly relieved that I'm finally not the only one who sees that Liam is, in fact, a normal pre-teen whose behavior is sometimes sub-par.

It's so strange to not constantly feel irritated. Liam's room is a disaster -- and I don't care. WTF? Last summer I went nuts about them keeping their room clean. And instead of enjoying a quiet house when I got up for work this morning, I instead heard giggles and the muffled sounds of "Robot Chicken" coming through my bedroom wall. And it was fine. There are soda cans on the living room endtables -- and it's not a big deal. For the first time in three years, having the kids around is normal -- and even fun.

I'm sure there will be issues -- nothing is ever ALWAYS easy. But for right now, I'm enjoying this new level of calm and acceptance in my life and focusing on building good relationships with the boys. They're not going away -- might as well love them!

How NOT to be married

What does it take for people to realize that enough is enough?

That's a serious, not rhetorical, question. I think some of us are just born with internal sensors that squawk and buzz and warn us when we're about to reach the point of combustion. And others aren't. 

I was one of the 9 million viewers who tuned in Monday night for the season premiere of "Jon & Kate Plus 8" on TLC. It was at once horrifying and heartbreaking, and provided clear evidence that the show, in its original context, has run its course. We're no longer following the lives of two people trying to keep up with eight children; we're rubber-necking on a train wreck. I won't get into who I think is to blame, or what I think about the Gosselins, or whether I believe they're exploiting their kids. That stuff is already being slung around the Internet, and I'm sure my opinions are no different from what's out there. 

Despite the gossip and accusations surrounding the state of the Gosselin family, what their show has inadvertently accomplished, at least at this recent stage, is that is has gotten many people thinking about what it really means to be married and a parent. Obviously Jon and Kate's situation is extreme; few couples find themselves parenting that many children. But you know what? It doesn't matter if you have eight kids or one -- family stuff is hard. 

I suppose it isn't appropriate for me to speak with any kind of authority on this issue since I'm neither married (yet) nor a (biological) parent. However, these are roles I'll take on in a mere two months' time and I've had to do a lot of thinking about what this will mean. I've also done quite a bit of research on how I'm supposed to behave as a second, er, third wife and stepmother. 

There's a lot of stuff out there on these topics, and it's mostly crap. Apparently, a new wife and stepmother's main duty is to completely push aside her own needs so she can focus on the tireless pursuit of ensuring the comfort of her husband and stepchildren. We are taught that nothing comes before a parent's relationship with his/her children, and those who preach this doctrine would also have us believe that the ex-spouse's wishes are paramount.

Oh, puh-lease. 

We forget that a marriage is a relationship between two people. Just two. When I marry Steve in August, I am not marrying his ex-wives. I'm not marrying his children. I am consciously accepting and involving them in my life, but they are not my partner and, honestly, not my top priority. My main concern is providing love and support to Steve and doing my part to build a good life for ourselves. And thus, I expect to also be Steve's first priority. 

I'll pause a minute to allow you time to stop choking. 

Am I a horrible person for expecting to be Steve's priority? Above his children? I frankly don't think so. As Steve's partner, it's just as much my responsibility to make sure his sons are happy, safe, and well taken care of. It's a shared duty, and one I fully accept; however, I can't be expected to follow through with that if my own happiness is compromised. That doesn't mean that I expect to rule with an iron fist -- far from it, actually. But what good are we to our family if we can't take care of each other?

Maybe that's where Jon & Kate went wrong. They were young when they married and thrust into an overwhelming situation early in their marriage. Perhaps they just didn't have enough time to dedicate to each other, and now they're struggling because they have different ideas about their relationship, their family, their show, and very possibly themselves. They keep talking about coming together for the kids, but where are they in all of this? What about their own relationship? They don't seem very interested in coming together for that. 

And, seriously. If they're not interested in working on it, they need to just stop. Be adults, find a resolution, and get on with life. Hopefully they can at the very least serve as an example of what not to do. 

I don't pretend to have all the answers, and I do worry sometimes how my own marriage will pan out. That's why I think it's so important to resolve these issues now, rather than 10 years into it. It'll be a work in progress, but I'm dedicated to the cause. Happiness is far too important to risk.

Oh, the wonder.

To say that it's been interesting around here would not do it justice.

This is my very last week in my house without children. Steve headed north on Saturday to spend the week with Liam and Aiden and will return this weekend with Liam. I'll admit it; I feel weird about this -- the idea, nay fact, that after these next few days my life will never be the same. I'm nervous and I'm not sure I'm adequately prepared for it, though I have spent quite some time imagining all of the horrible possibilities and scenarios. I'm very good at overreacting. 

I don't know how long Liam will be here. Steve hasn't discussed a return date with Monica, so right now I'm not sure if he'll be here for the wedding, or even how much time -- if any -- he will have to spend with Joey, who arrives July 19. I hope Liam will be able to spend the entire summer with us, and I think that it is a very real possibility for reasons I'll get into in a few minutes. 

So yeah. I anticipate that the first few months with Joey will be the roughest. He's previously only been here during the summer or holidays, so it will take some time to get him (and Steve) acclimated to the reality that he's living here, not just hanging out. There will be schoolwork, chores, activities, all the regular family-type things that are going to require effort and discipline from all of us. Once we get settled, though, I think things will be ok. I hope. :)

The things I'm struggling with right now mostly concern questions I have about my place in all of this. I'm the stepmom, and honestly that is a role I never pictured myself in. I never consciously ruled it out, but my ideas about my future always started with a husband and baby, not a teenager (I know now that this was a very antique way of thinking). In my scenario, the man and the woman would begin at the same starting line. Alas, that is not to be. Obviously, Steve and Joey are going to have a tighter bond -- not just as father and son, but as guys. I know Steve will want to make up for lost time, and the two of them will often be off doing activities in which I have zero interest. That's going to be a huge change for me, because cheesiness aside, Steve is my buddy. I guess I fear being left out.

I'm also fearful of how our household is set up -- or rather, not set up. I am fully aware that millions of people are struggling in this economy. Although Steve and I work in an industry that has remained strong, we still experience inflation and price increases and all the crap credit card companies are trying to pull. And money has always been a sore spot between the two of us. We keep everything completely separate, with each of us paying our own bills and sharing the household responsibilities (although Steve does take care of most of those). Steve has always made more money than me. There were a few years there where he made more in bonuses than I did in annual salary. As it stands now, he makes three times what I make and I'm okay with that. I'm not bitter or jealous or harbor any of those types of feelings. His salary is what it is, and so is mine. However. I have always struggled with money and, although I think I do a pretty decent job of keeping my head above water (ok, so maybe most days I barely have my nose high enough to get air into my nostrils), I rarely have extra. I certainly don't have enough to make contributions to a savings account, or do anything nice for myself once in awhile. As you might imagine, this isn't always the case for Steve.

I'm not saying I'm ignored, neglected, or not well taken care of. I have what I need. But I do not like this set-up. I'm routinely left out of financial decisions, many of which affect my life. I don't feel financially secure, and quite frankly the whole thing makes me feel like I have a lesser role in this relationship.

But I'm especially scared now that Joey is coming. I don't quite know how to explain it -- I guess it's that not only will I have to give up a lot of time with Steve, but I'll also be left to fend for myself. I'm very uncomfortable with that. 

So yeah. There's a lot to work through, a lot of talking yet to do. Not that I haven't tried. I've been unsuccessful up to this point. The most frustrating thing is that I know that if we could just cooperate, and communicate, we could do so well and really get on track for a great financial situation. I know this. But my suggestions are consistently met with resistance. I don't fully know why, although I have a few good guesses. I've asked Steve to spend this week thinking about some things, and I'm hopeful that once he returns we'll be able to get a lot of our issues worked out. Wish us luck. :)

And as if this post wasn't already long enough, allow me to introduce a new topic. 

Liam is being an ass. Today was the first day since last July that he's seen his father, and all he could do was lie on the couch and moan. For no good reason other than he's been hit hard by the puberty monster and is having a difficult time adjusting to the realization that the sun doesn't rise and set on his derriere. I don't want to turn this into a rant about how infuriating this child can be -- let's just say he's been spoiled and coddled for a long time and now that he's growing up and things are changing, he's having a very difficult time handling it all. It's disappointing to Steve, who has done nothing for the past year but look forward to seeing his boys again. I had to remind him that it really has nothing to do with him -- Monica has been having the same problems with Liam for the past few months. And honestly? I feel for her. It has to be hard being a single parent having to deal with a moody, bratty kid. I'm sure she's counting down the minutes until Liam is out of her hands and into ours. 

I don't blame her. But I'm leary of how this summer might turn out. I don't do bratty kids, and I don't put up with bullshit. My own mother says I have no sympathy, and she's right. I don't. And I don't have the patience. Fortunately, I have a week to prepare myself and coach myself into handling any possible situations in the appropriate manner. I hope that Liam undergoes a dramatic transformation in the next few days and will behave like an angel while he's here. 

But I secretly hope he doesn't. I think he's dealing with some issues that need brought to light, and I don't think his mom or dad will be the ones to help this happen. They're too emotionally involved. I'm not. I also believe that children respond best when you're truthful and straight with them. They'll push against the boundaries, but honestly think the thing they want most is security. 

Lord help me. I only have a few days -- yikes!