Thursday, June 18, 2009
Moving.
I think I'm packing my bags and headed for a better blogging host. This one just isn't doing it for me! I'll keep you updated.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Pawns.
The shine on my resolve to be a good stepmother suffered a scratch this weekend. But to my credit, it actually had nothing to do with Liam.
I won't lie and say that I don't care that the boy is still in his pajamas when I get home from work at 4:45 p.m., or that he has done nothing but play video games, watch TV and eat junk all day. It's not the healthiest way for a child to spend the summer. It bothers me, because I feel he could be doing much more productive things with his time, and allowing this behavior does nothing to teach him responsibility. His mom has a lot of trouble getting him to help with chores and letting him off the hook at our house doesn't help her cause.
I haven't said anything about his room being messy, and I haven't demanded that he do chores. I've asked him to do little things, like take such-and-such out the garage, for example. But that's as far as it's gone. Messy rooms aggravate me, yes, but I've learned that it's often much easier to shut the door than it is to continually harp about it. Besides, his room is still so full of Steve's junk that the kid doesn't have much room for his stuff, anyway, so it's rather unfair to get upset about it.
But there ARE things that Liam could do around the house to make things easier for the family, and to give him something to do. Simple things like loading and unloading the dishwasher, making sure the bathroom is picked up, etc.
Apparently, I am a VERY BAD PERSON for thinking this way. I mentioned my ideas to Steve Saturday morning and was immediately met with hostility because "your brother doesn't do anything."
(My brother lives with us while he attends college. Steve has paid some of his tuition bills, and this has become a HUGE source of contention. But that's a rant for another day.)
It pissed me off. A lot. For one thing, my brother is in school. He attends class, does his homework, and is making good grades. He also showers and gets dressed every day and, in general, pretty much keeps to himself. Could he help out more around the house? Absolutely.
But this discussion wasn't about him. It was about Liam. And Steve immediately wanted to turn it into a "mine against yours" argument. And when you're playing with imperfect pieces, no one wins the game. Gah.
I've more than once been accused of being spoiled and controlling. I wouldn't go that far, but I concede that I like having things my way, and to being unhappy until they are. It's not a trait I'm proud of. On the other hand, I am proud that I am able to stick up for myself. It's taken me nearly 30 years to learn how to not be a pushover, and damn it, nobody's going to turn me into one now.
And so we fought. Steve actually yelled and cursed at me over the phone while Liam was sitting next to him, which was not entirely helpful. I think my problem is that when the boys are here I struggle with figuring out exactly where I fit. No one recognizes me in a "mother" role.
Don't get me wrong -- I'm definitely not trying to be or replace their mothers. But when I disapprove of how they behave, the language they use, or how they spend their time, it's as if my opinion doesn't count. Steve is so concerned with being their buddy that he forgets that he needs to be their dad. His only goal is for them to have enough fun every summer that they want to come back. I want them to have fun, too, but we can't ignore reality. They're still kids, and they need guidance just as much as they need fun. My dilemma is figuring out how to make sure they get enough of both.
Or is it my dilemma? Should I even care? I keep thinking that it would be so easy to give up and quit giving a fuck about anything they do. SO. EASY. But it's my house, too, and my life they're interfering with. Let me say it again: IT'S MY HOUSE, TOO, and I should have some say over how the children in it are to behave, regardless of whether I gave birth to them.
I really wanted to not fight about the kids this summer. I was trying really hard, and I'll continue to do so. But damn, does it ever get any easier? How long to I have to be the bad guy?
I won't lie and say that I don't care that the boy is still in his pajamas when I get home from work at 4:45 p.m., or that he has done nothing but play video games, watch TV and eat junk all day. It's not the healthiest way for a child to spend the summer. It bothers me, because I feel he could be doing much more productive things with his time, and allowing this behavior does nothing to teach him responsibility. His mom has a lot of trouble getting him to help with chores and letting him off the hook at our house doesn't help her cause.
I haven't said anything about his room being messy, and I haven't demanded that he do chores. I've asked him to do little things, like take such-and-such out the garage, for example. But that's as far as it's gone. Messy rooms aggravate me, yes, but I've learned that it's often much easier to shut the door than it is to continually harp about it. Besides, his room is still so full of Steve's junk that the kid doesn't have much room for his stuff, anyway, so it's rather unfair to get upset about it.
But there ARE things that Liam could do around the house to make things easier for the family, and to give him something to do. Simple things like loading and unloading the dishwasher, making sure the bathroom is picked up, etc.
Apparently, I am a VERY BAD PERSON for thinking this way. I mentioned my ideas to Steve Saturday morning and was immediately met with hostility because "your brother doesn't do anything."
(My brother lives with us while he attends college. Steve has paid some of his tuition bills, and this has become a HUGE source of contention. But that's a rant for another day.)
It pissed me off. A lot. For one thing, my brother is in school. He attends class, does his homework, and is making good grades. He also showers and gets dressed every day and, in general, pretty much keeps to himself. Could he help out more around the house? Absolutely.
But this discussion wasn't about him. It was about Liam. And Steve immediately wanted to turn it into a "mine against yours" argument. And when you're playing with imperfect pieces, no one wins the game. Gah.
I've more than once been accused of being spoiled and controlling. I wouldn't go that far, but I concede that I like having things my way, and to being unhappy until they are. It's not a trait I'm proud of. On the other hand, I am proud that I am able to stick up for myself. It's taken me nearly 30 years to learn how to not be a pushover, and damn it, nobody's going to turn me into one now.
And so we fought. Steve actually yelled and cursed at me over the phone while Liam was sitting next to him, which was not entirely helpful. I think my problem is that when the boys are here I struggle with figuring out exactly where I fit. No one recognizes me in a "mother" role.
Don't get me wrong -- I'm definitely not trying to be or replace their mothers. But when I disapprove of how they behave, the language they use, or how they spend their time, it's as if my opinion doesn't count. Steve is so concerned with being their buddy that he forgets that he needs to be their dad. His only goal is for them to have enough fun every summer that they want to come back. I want them to have fun, too, but we can't ignore reality. They're still kids, and they need guidance just as much as they need fun. My dilemma is figuring out how to make sure they get enough of both.
Or is it my dilemma? Should I even care? I keep thinking that it would be so easy to give up and quit giving a fuck about anything they do. SO. EASY. But it's my house, too, and my life they're interfering with. Let me say it again: IT'S MY HOUSE, TOO, and I should have some say over how the children in it are to behave, regardless of whether I gave birth to them.
I really wanted to not fight about the kids this summer. I was trying really hard, and I'll continue to do so. But damn, does it ever get any easier? How long to I have to be the bad guy?
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Chatty Cathy
Is it wrong to feel irritated that this is the second time this week I've been left to entertain Liam by myself?
I can't really blame Steve because he had legitimate work reasons for coming home late. But I find myself aggravated when I'm left to fly solo because despite Liam being old enough to be self-sufficient, he's absolutely exhausting.
The kid is constantly talking. On Tuesday evening, he sat beside me playing his PSP and actually narrated everything he was doing in the game. On the way home from dinner last night, he talked so much he would ask a question and not even allow enough time for someone to answer. He interrupts. He disagrees. If he's not talking, he's laughing. He. Won't. Shut. Up.
I've realized that one area that is lacking in my relationship with the boys is communication. It's so hard to not just nod my head and murmer "uh-huh," "yeah," "interesting." It's not that I purposely don't want to pay attention. I just can't sometimes. It's mind-numbing. Sometimes I go to the bathroom just for a few moments of silence.
I wonder if he's like this with his mom. Liam has mentioned that his mom usually comes home from work and just kind of collapses, so I figure he ends up entertaining himself pretty often. But for goodness sake -- she's a single working mother. Did I mention she teaches preschool? Of course she's tired when she gets home. And hello -- Liam is 12. He's old enough to keep himself occupied without needing an audience every waking moment of his life.
Then again, he does spend the day alone while he's here, so he might just be lonely. Even adults crave conversation sometimes. But geez-oh-man, the constant chattering is going to make my brain bleed out my ears. I suffer from sensory overload enough as it is -- and this is only making it worse!
Short of stuffing my ears with plugs, I guess I'll just have to develop some sort of coping mechanism. Or have Steve talk to him about it. I don't really want to go that route, though, because I'm trying REALLY hard to not complain about the boys this summer (unless undeniably warranted -- I'm not a pushover). It's been really easy so far, but something's gotta give when it comes to Liam's wratchetjaw. It's not only annoying -- it's socially rude. He can't go around always talking over people.
But how do you tell a child to FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, CAN IT!!!
I can't really blame Steve because he had legitimate work reasons for coming home late. But I find myself aggravated when I'm left to fly solo because despite Liam being old enough to be self-sufficient, he's absolutely exhausting.
The kid is constantly talking. On Tuesday evening, he sat beside me playing his PSP and actually narrated everything he was doing in the game. On the way home from dinner last night, he talked so much he would ask a question and not even allow enough time for someone to answer. He interrupts. He disagrees. If he's not talking, he's laughing. He. Won't. Shut. Up.
I've realized that one area that is lacking in my relationship with the boys is communication. It's so hard to not just nod my head and murmer "uh-huh," "yeah," "interesting." It's not that I purposely don't want to pay attention. I just can't sometimes. It's mind-numbing. Sometimes I go to the bathroom just for a few moments of silence.
I wonder if he's like this with his mom. Liam has mentioned that his mom usually comes home from work and just kind of collapses, so I figure he ends up entertaining himself pretty often. But for goodness sake -- she's a single working mother. Did I mention she teaches preschool? Of course she's tired when she gets home. And hello -- Liam is 12. He's old enough to keep himself occupied without needing an audience every waking moment of his life.
Then again, he does spend the day alone while he's here, so he might just be lonely. Even adults crave conversation sometimes. But geez-oh-man, the constant chattering is going to make my brain bleed out my ears. I suffer from sensory overload enough as it is -- and this is only making it worse!
Short of stuffing my ears with plugs, I guess I'll just have to develop some sort of coping mechanism. Or have Steve talk to him about it. I don't really want to go that route, though, because I'm trying REALLY hard to not complain about the boys this summer (unless undeniably warranted -- I'm not a pushover). It's been really easy so far, but something's gotta give when it comes to Liam's wratchetjaw. It's not only annoying -- it's socially rude. He can't go around always talking over people.
But how do you tell a child to FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY, CAN IT!!!
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Smarty Pants
According to his school principal, Liam earned the highest grades in the entire sixth grade and will be enrolled in all honors courses next year.
Woot!
The principal actually called Monica to tell her the news. He added that he doesn't think Liam is being challenged enough and asked for permission to step it up a few notches for the seventh-grade year. That Liam, he's a smart boy!
Although he was pretty nonchalant when Steve told him the news last night, you could tell he was pleased. He's a tiny bit apprehensive that he won't have classes with any of his friends, but the kid enjoys challenge and being the "best" so much that I'm positive these feelings will be short-lived.
It's hard to not be proud of him. I know you shouldn't put labels on children or compare them to their siblings, but Liam is definitely our "Smart One." Aiden is "The Worker," while Joey is the "Tough One." Three distinct personalities, shaped by the unique circumstances life dealt them.
You know, I'm lucky. I complain a lot, and in doing so often forget that I've been blessed with the opportunity to have these boys in my life.
I have told the boys that although it sucks that their parents are divorced, we aren't the only people in this situation and at some point we all have to suck it up and just deal. I stand by that, and I won't apologize for not coddling them. But you know what? We're making it work. Their mothers, their dad, and even me -- we're doing what has to be done to make sure they are safe and loved. And because of that -- because they have so many people who care about them, they are lucky too.
It ain't all peaches and cream, folks. But it could be a whole lot worse. I'd do well to remind myself of that more often.
Woot!
The principal actually called Monica to tell her the news. He added that he doesn't think Liam is being challenged enough and asked for permission to step it up a few notches for the seventh-grade year. That Liam, he's a smart boy!
Although he was pretty nonchalant when Steve told him the news last night, you could tell he was pleased. He's a tiny bit apprehensive that he won't have classes with any of his friends, but the kid enjoys challenge and being the "best" so much that I'm positive these feelings will be short-lived.
It's hard to not be proud of him. I know you shouldn't put labels on children or compare them to their siblings, but Liam is definitely our "Smart One." Aiden is "The Worker," while Joey is the "Tough One." Three distinct personalities, shaped by the unique circumstances life dealt them.
You know, I'm lucky. I complain a lot, and in doing so often forget that I've been blessed with the opportunity to have these boys in my life.
I have told the boys that although it sucks that their parents are divorced, we aren't the only people in this situation and at some point we all have to suck it up and just deal. I stand by that, and I won't apologize for not coddling them. But you know what? We're making it work. Their mothers, their dad, and even me -- we're doing what has to be done to make sure they are safe and loved. And because of that -- because they have so many people who care about them, they are lucky too.
It ain't all peaches and cream, folks. But it could be a whole lot worse. I'd do well to remind myself of that more often.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Who knew?
Well, it's here.
More precisely, he's here. Steve and Liam returned late Friday night and my tenure as stepmother has begun. And you know what? It hasn't been as nightmarish as I anticipated. It feels ... normal. I guess that after two summers and one holiday spent with the kids, I'm finally at peace with this strange family situation we have.
And honestly? Hallelujah! It's about damn time.
There are several factors that I believe have made this summer a lot easier. First and foremost, I've done a lot of growing up this past year. I've spent a lot of time thinking about my relationship with Steve, my personal boundaries, and my limitations. I've learned how to stand up for myself, and I've learned to give in and compromise when necessary. It has certainly made life run more smoothly.
Secondly, I didn't go with Steve to pick Liam up, as I have the past two summers. Steve really wanted -- and needed -- to spend a few days with Aiden. I couldn't take an entire week off of work to accompany him, and I also felt that they needed one-on-one time. Aiden doesn't know me yet, and he really just needed some Daddy time. Staying home eliminated the anxiety and stress I've always felt when having to see Monica, and I don't feel defensive about myself or my relationship with Steve and the boys.
Thus, I'm not as resistant or hostile toward Liam when he does things that make me crazy. He can be a bit of a know-it-all, is outrageously competitive, and sometimes mistakenly believes he should participate in adult conversations on topics that are none of his business. He's still a kid, so I can't be too hard on him. And he does have quite a few good qualities as well. But for the first time, Steve has recognized his less-than-stellar attributes. Even better? Monica has realized this, too. I'm not pleased that she's had trouble with his behavior toward her, but I'm secretly relieved that I'm finally not the only one who sees that Liam is, in fact, a normal pre-teen whose behavior is sometimes sub-par.
It's so strange to not constantly feel irritated. Liam's room is a disaster -- and I don't care. WTF? Last summer I went nuts about them keeping their room clean. And instead of enjoying a quiet house when I got up for work this morning, I instead heard giggles and the muffled sounds of "Robot Chicken" coming through my bedroom wall. And it was fine. There are soda cans on the living room endtables -- and it's not a big deal. For the first time in three years, having the kids around is normal -- and even fun.
I'm sure there will be issues -- nothing is ever ALWAYS easy. But for right now, I'm enjoying this new level of calm and acceptance in my life and focusing on building good relationships with the boys. They're not going away -- might as well love them!
More precisely, he's here. Steve and Liam returned late Friday night and my tenure as stepmother has begun. And you know what? It hasn't been as nightmarish as I anticipated. It feels ... normal. I guess that after two summers and one holiday spent with the kids, I'm finally at peace with this strange family situation we have.
And honestly? Hallelujah! It's about damn time.
There are several factors that I believe have made this summer a lot easier. First and foremost, I've done a lot of growing up this past year. I've spent a lot of time thinking about my relationship with Steve, my personal boundaries, and my limitations. I've learned how to stand up for myself, and I've learned to give in and compromise when necessary. It has certainly made life run more smoothly.
Secondly, I didn't go with Steve to pick Liam up, as I have the past two summers. Steve really wanted -- and needed -- to spend a few days with Aiden. I couldn't take an entire week off of work to accompany him, and I also felt that they needed one-on-one time. Aiden doesn't know me yet, and he really just needed some Daddy time. Staying home eliminated the anxiety and stress I've always felt when having to see Monica, and I don't feel defensive about myself or my relationship with Steve and the boys.
Thus, I'm not as resistant or hostile toward Liam when he does things that make me crazy. He can be a bit of a know-it-all, is outrageously competitive, and sometimes mistakenly believes he should participate in adult conversations on topics that are none of his business. He's still a kid, so I can't be too hard on him. And he does have quite a few good qualities as well. But for the first time, Steve has recognized his less-than-stellar attributes. Even better? Monica has realized this, too. I'm not pleased that she's had trouble with his behavior toward her, but I'm secretly relieved that I'm finally not the only one who sees that Liam is, in fact, a normal pre-teen whose behavior is sometimes sub-par.
It's so strange to not constantly feel irritated. Liam's room is a disaster -- and I don't care. WTF? Last summer I went nuts about them keeping their room clean. And instead of enjoying a quiet house when I got up for work this morning, I instead heard giggles and the muffled sounds of "Robot Chicken" coming through my bedroom wall. And it was fine. There are soda cans on the living room endtables -- and it's not a big deal. For the first time in three years, having the kids around is normal -- and even fun.
I'm sure there will be issues -- nothing is ever ALWAYS easy. But for right now, I'm enjoying this new level of calm and acceptance in my life and focusing on building good relationships with the boys. They're not going away -- might as well love them!
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